Where do we go next? (here & elsewhere)

The Digest: November 15, 2024

My friend from high school, Katherine, was in town. On a walk, she asked if my friends from different chapters of my life—high school, college, post-grad—would use the same characteristics to describe me. Have I been the same person?

Lately, my therapy sessions are exorcisms. In the last few months, each session is another heavy realization about how I cope with my fear. I swallow my anger. I doubt every decision I’ve made unless it benefits someone I love. I chronically people please. At the hot magma core of this is a belief that I have earned the love of the people around me. If I stop with the facade, if I explode with all my emotions, people might leave. I think this explains why I need writing to express pain in a place that belongs to me alone. I don’t have to consider or face how other people will feel under the weight of my true emotions.

But this also means that I’m only presenting a sliver of who I am at any given time. In most settings, I can fall into the right part. I ca…